One More Time…

Today we are celebrating out Independence Day, tomorrow I will be celebrating something too… I’ll be saying goodbye to the Carpel Tunnel on my right hand. My operation is scheduled for 10am. I was surprised at the time of the operation, since in January when I got my left hand operated, my operation took place at 6am.

Anyway, I’m glad its finally taking place, and I’m looking forward to a REAL quick recovery, since I’m supposed to be playing already for a special event on Saturday. We will see how my hand feels, and if can manage, I will try.

Just took all my pills, and had a quick snack, since I’m not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. I should be getting sleepy in a bit. I walked to the store earlier and FINALLY bought myself the headphones I’d been wanting to get for a long time. They are wireless, so I’m listening to “Rose Gold” right now at the couch as I type, while my phone is charging by my bed. I don’t know why I waited so long to buy them. Every time I’d see them, I’d want to buy them, but for some reason, I’m the kind of person who gets a bunch of stuff…. then when I’m at the register, I leave half or even more of the stuff I had planned to buy. I even did it today. I had planned to buy myself some Chocolates and a Nivea for Men’s cream I wanted, and I ended up leaving those two things. But I did get me an awesome new razor, some additional razor heads, a travel sack for the razor… and this shaving cream.

Yes, shaving cream. I NEVER, EVER use shaving cream. But I need to start taking care of myself more. If I’m letting them cut into my hand tomorrow, and in November letting them cut into my stomach to staple it shut to a smaller size, I need to start taking care of the outside too, not just the inside. So I got the shaving cream. I loved it. My skin feels smooth, no bumps or anything. I also love the soap bars I got, they have skin cream already inside of them, so I don’t have to use soap and cream afterwards. Using one is like using both.

So today is July 4th…. Or at least it will be for the next 10 minutes. I have good memories of this day…… 4 years ago, I spent the 4th of July at Debbie’s house…. I remember my mom was working as a caregiver to her mom and dad, and she slept there. I went over to Debbie’s house, and because my Prius had a flat tire, they let me sleep over. I remember how excited I was that in a week I’d be leaving to NYC…. sigh… I miss my City.

Ok, well, I better get to bed….. have a good night!

 

 

 

 

 

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Not all memories are Golden…

I was talking to my friend today on Snapchat, and somehow ended up on the subject of when I traveled to Texas to record my first (and so far, only) CD. As I was telling him the memory, it was all coming back to me now, and honestly, I can say that I wish I could go back to that time in my life and change almost everything of what happened during that trip.

Then again, all things happen to us for a reason, and if this hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t be who I am today. So in retrospect, I’m glad that happened; I just don’t like remembering the whole experience. But I’m going to share with you what I learned so that others, and not just me, can learn from my mistakes.

First off, you have get a little bit of the story. I have been blessed with a strong singing voice, and people always would ask me if I’d done a CD or some kind of recording. So one day, a close friend who I considered to be a part of my family said she was going to help me raise the funds to record a CD. I was excited, but at the same time I wasn’t sure if this could even happen, since recording a CD in the early 2000’s wasn’t something that can now be done from the comfort of your living room. There was no such thing as Garage Band back then. Anyway, the doors opened and I met a man who produced his own CD’s and would then travel around the country and sell them. He found out I wanted to do my own CD, so he offered to produce it for me. I was so happy. The only problem was that his recording studio was in Texas, and I’m in California. But again, my sweet family friend came to the rescue and raised funds for me to be able to fly to Texas and also to pay for the CD recording, which ended up costing almost 10 thousand dollars.

Well, during this time, I was kind of a loner. I guess I am still a kind of a loner, but I’ve embraced it now that I’m older and wiser, and have realized that some of us just prefer to do things alone, or with one or two people at the most, than be in a group of friends all the time. But back then, I didn’t like being a loner, I didn’t understand it, and I was looking for friends. I was also confused about many other things, but we won’t go into that subject now. I’m just going to say I only had one good friend, and I don’t want to go off and say his real name, so in this blog I’m going to call him Brian. (Although those of you who know me personally will be able to identify him)

Anyway, Brian was my only friend, and I was so happy he was my friend. My mom got along with his mom and his family, we always hung out, and we’d even have sleep overs at his house. I remember his Dad was kind enough to literally give me my first car after I got my license. A Toyota Celica. Those cars are now classics, and I wish I still had it. Anyway, long story short, his family was sweet, and they still are.

Brian knew how I felt. He knew that I had no other “real” friends besides him, and that I felt happy and safe and “normal” by having him as a friend. He knew all that, and instead of seeing me as a friend or a confidant, like I saw him, he saw instead someone he could use to get whatever he wanted. He saw a young man who seemed happy and confident on the outside, but was afraid and confused on the inside. He knew he could manipulate me, and manipulate me he did.

Brian also liked to sing. When he found out I was getting to go record my CD, he immediately jumped in and said he needed to go with me so he could be my backup singer. I agreed, because I thought having my friend with me during this trip would be amazing, and a dream come true.

And so we set the date, I got asked to write 9 original songs for the CD, and before I knew it, the day came for us to leave to Texas. My mom, who has always been really overprotective of me, also seemed to trust Brian, and she was happy he was coming along with me, since my mother couldn’t come along too, due to her job.

And so we left California and arrived in Houston. And it was from the very beginning of the trip that things started to go wrong. I now realize that my main goal during this trip was to keep my friend happy, and the whole recording of my CD took a back seat. I sometimes get mad at myself when I think about this, but then realize that I was a teenager, and I didn’t know any better. The moment we arrived, we began the process of recording the album. I got great news from my producer. He said he was friends with another producer who produced songs for an Artist who I knew and who’s songs I loved, and that producer had heard my sample tracks and had told my original producer that he wanted to produce my album instead. That was amazing news. We got to go to a major professional studio in Houston, and to another one in San Antonio.

When Brian saw all these good things happening, he decided he didn’t want to just be a back up singer. He started telling me and pushing me into letting him sing certain parts in his favorite songs by himself, as if he was the recording artist. And me, trying to keep Brian happy at all times, would agree immediately. Thankfully, my new producer stopped him and said, Is this “LQ’s” Album, or are you guys a “Duo” team? Well, the answer was that it was MY album, so the producer limited the parts Brian could collaborate on.

Brian was mad. Furious. And since he couldn’t take it out on the producer, he took it out on me. I still remember one day, when we had a break from recording, Brian wouldn’t talk to me, he’d slam everything around…. He was a total bully. And he knew how to play mind games. Anyway, that one day that we had a break, I remember sitting in the chairs outside on the balcony of our room, and just crying and crying. I didn’t want Brian mad at me, and I just wanted the whole trip to end, I was ready to just dump the whole Album project and leave. I cried for hours. That’s how much manipulation and control Brian had over me.

Then, he seemed to figure out a way to make me “pay” for not standing up to the producer like he had wanted me to. When we where done recording for the day, he’d make me take him to the best restaurants, and then he’d make me go with him shopping, and just to keep him happy and talking to me again, I’d buy him everything he wanted.

Sad. If I’d go back in time to those moments, I wouldn’t recognize myself.

When the recording schedule went over the two weeks we had planned to be there, I had to reschedule our plane tickets. Brian, of course, then saw an opportunity to use me. He made me change the original destination of Los Angeles to Las Vegas. He said he’d never been there, and he wanted to go visit.

And it cost me a lot more, but I did it, just to keep him happy. So after the recording process was over, we said goodbye to Texas and arrived at Las Vegas. He wasn’t old enough to go gambling, so I had no idea why he wanted to go there. We ended up staying in Las Vegas for 3 days, and I barely remember any of those days, because he’d leave at night, come back in the morning, sleep all day, and then leave again at night. Who knows where or what he was doing, but I spent 3 days in Vegas in my hotel room, and probably went down to the Lobby once or twice.

Finally, when he saw I was running low on cash, he let me rent a car, and we drove home. Or better said, I drove home, he slept the entire way.

Sadly, it took me a few more years to realize what this jerk was doing. Using me for whatever he needed. My mom soon realized the same thing, and his family and mine stopped talking. But he’d show up, once or twice a year, or he’d send me a message saying something like, “Hey you! Sorry I haven’t kept in touch, I’ve been meaning to and trying to…could you please do me a big favor and lend me $50?”

Yeah right. By this time, I think I’d learned my lesson.

The reason I’m writing all this again, even though I’d rather forget it than relive it as I am doing it now, its because there are young teenagers out there who might be passing through the same thing I went though. There are people out there that can see someone who is lonely, or wanting to make a friend, and they take advantage of that, and instantly become your friends… but at what price?

Friendship is something that shouldn’t cost a penny. Its something that’s given free. Just like love. Friendship and love are given unconditionally. The same way our parents or God loves us, with no conditions. But when people are lonely, people are confused, others jump on that present themselves as true friends who like or love you, but then after you’ve gave them your trust and you feel safe and happy and don’t want to lose their friendship or love, then…comes the price. The price you pay to keep their fake love and friendship.

After this happened to me, I build a wall. (like the one the man who is at the White House at the moment is trying to build. I’d use his official title, but that just makes me cringe a little.) Anyway, I built a wall, a high wall, around me. I lost trust in people. I didn’t want to let anyone in, because I was reminded of Brian and all his lies and his fake friendship. It took me a long time to finally learn how to trust people again. I learned that you should always let people in, but at the same time, keep your heart and feelings guarded at all times until you see that their friendship is real. That its the real thing, not just a mask so that they can take advantage of you.

I had to go through all that to finally learn that. Now, as I sit here, I look back at those moments in Texas, and I see me wasting an amazing opportunity. I was given the chance to go and record an Album. If I had had my head on straight, I could have focused on the Album, and not on the Jerk who was with me and was making me believe that the whole world revolved around him. In the end, the Album came out, I do honestly love it, It was great for a first album, but oh, there will always be that “What If?” question that I will always ask myself.

But now, I am someone new, someone who has learned things in life, sometimes the easy way, sometimes the hard way. I’m a happy person because of the lessons that I’ve learned. And as for Brian…. well, I don’t hold grudges, and I wish him all the best in the world. But I’ve always believed that if you do good things, good things will come to you. If you do bad things, bad things will come to you. The universe has a way of leveling itself out. Some people call this Karma.

I believe God sometimes lets us go through these things so we can learn from our experiences.

But if I did believe in Karma and if Karma really did exist, I think Brian has gotten his share of it. The last time I spoke to him was on his wedding day. I knew he was getting married, a few people I knew were going to be at his wedding. I didn’t get an invitation, and I wasn’t surprised, since we hadn’t spoken in years, and he knew that I didn’t believe his “I’m a true Friend” lie he had made me believe for a long time.

But my phone rang that evening, and when I answered it, I was surprised to hear Brian on the other side. Crying. I couldn’t understand anything he was saying at first, because he was literally wailing and blubbering. Finally, I heard what he was trying to say. “I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to get married. What am I going to do, I don’t want to get married.”

I had no idea what to say. And I still don’t know why out of everyone else he could have called, he calls me to tell me that. But like I said before, I don’t hold grudges. I told him to calm down, that everything would be fine, and that he was probably just nervous. Unfortunately, he kept crying. He calmed down a bit, but kept crying. And right when he had called me, I was on my way out to teach a lesson, and people were waiting for me in the car. I told him I couldn’t talk, but I did ask him why he didn’t want to get married. He then hung up on me, and I’ve never heard from him again.

All I know is this…

He DID get married; I saw wedding photos. He’s smiling in them, but I can only imagine what’s going inside his head.

I became a stronger person because of what he made me go through. I guess in a way, I can thank him for that.

If you have a “friend” or someone who is controlling, manipulating, and is just using you, get out of that relationship before your feelings and heart end up bruised. And whatever you do, don’t think that everyone else is like that, because not everyone is like that. There are genuine people out there who really care for you, and if you build a wall around your heart, you will miss out on the love a true friend can give you.

Get ready to meet the real L.Q.

So I’ve had my share of blogs in the past, but I’m at a point in my life where I feel I need to write an HONEST blog. An honest blog about everything in life. Life is funny, sad, exciting, and there’s so much that goes on, and not a lot of people sometimes have an insight of what goes on in my life.

Here’s a blog where I’m going to say things like they are, no sugarcoating anything. The sweet, nice LQ is going to take a break once a day from being the sweetheart that he is and sit down and write how he really feels.

So if you prefer the sweet, kind, supportive LQ, please leave this blog immediately. Otherwise, stay and read a while. And this is where I would usually apologize if I write something that might be offending towards some people, but like I said, this is just how I feel about things. So I’ll be honest with myself, and I won’t apologize this time.

Lets see how many friends I lose when everyone discovers this blog….. But I think I need to do this. Its better to let it all out than hold it al in.

So enjoy, or leave. Here goes….

Feeling Sick This AM

I don’t blame my body for sometimes waking up after wanting to puke. I honestly am not following a good Nutrition plan. Yesterday, I ate 3 fish tacos at Baja Fresh, a diet coke, and some Guacamole. That’s it. The whole day. Oh, and around 10pm my mom made me a ham sandwich. But that’s not a good nutritious meal. So its no wonder that after eating so little, and taking so many meds, this morning I woke up wanting to puke. The solution? More meds, unfortunately. Took an Alka-Seltzer, and thankfully that calmed my stomach down a bit. Then a chicken noodle soup. Then my first batch of pills. Feeling better now, but not 100% completely healthy. about 90% perhaps. My stomach is still feeling a little hot and heavy. My nephew is here today, which is nice, but at 4pm the other kids we take care of arrive. Lets see which of the 3 kids stay. The crazy, rebel and sometimes psychotic 14 year old, (and I say that because she’s told me that sometimes she just wants to hit something or someone until she sees blood. What 14 year old girl has those thoughts? Seriously, this girl needs help, and despite me trying to help her and having a Psychology course under my belt, she needs more help than I can give her.) Or perhaps we get the 12 year old brother, who is on his way to living the whole “Emo” lifestyle before he gets to high school, who rarely says anything, but is on his phone for the entire afternoon and night. Oh, and who for some reason follows me around, even when I want to be alone and go to my room and close the door. He ignores the door and walks right in. and then there’s the 9 year old sister, who has problems reading, but in all honesty, I think she’s just LAZY and doesn’t want to make her brain work. She knows that if she shrugs and gives you the “I’m dumb” look, everyone will go, “Awww” and give her the answer or give her what she wants, or feel sympathy for her and pat her on the back. But I can see the glint in her eyes and know that she’s smarter than she lets everyone else think. She’s used to getting all the answers because of her “mental problems”, but the only mental problem she has is that she’s literally too lazy to use her brain. She needs a good smack on the side of the head and to be punished for not trying hard enough. I bet you then she would become champion of a national spelling bee. But since no one does this to her, she plays the “I’m stupid” card all the time, and everyone believes her. But I’ve been trying to teach her how to play the piano for months now, and I know she can read. She just hates doing it. Would I ever say all this to her or her parents? No. I have to keep a smile on my face and try to work with them. But I do know that I don’t like wasting my time with kids who don’t really want to learn how to play the piano, even if I’m getting paid for it, so I’m going to tell her parents soon that she needs to get better with her reading “problems” before she can learn how to play the piano. I feel bad taking their money and just having her waste my time. I’m sorry, I don’t do that.

See how I said I wouldn’t be using any filters in all of my blogs? Told you so. Tomorrow I have my long awaited appointment with the DMV. Lets hope it all goes well. I’ve also reconnected with an old friend and student of mine from years and years ago recently. Its like, we find each other online or at an event or something, and we’re like, OMG, we need to chat or talk or get together….. then 2 years pass and we don’t hear from each other until we bump into each other at some other event, and we say the same thing, and again, 2 or 3 years pass and we don’t talk. Anyway, I think we finally broke the cycle this time around, since we’ve been chatting away and talking every day. He’s looking for a job, and I’m trying to help him find one. I know how he must feel like, because I’ve been in that same situation, and he doesn’t deserve to be in that situation. When he was my student, a long, long time ago, he was a really sweet guy, and I remember wishing I knew more people like him. Genuine, sincere, nice people like him. But I think there’s only one of them in the world, and at least we get to chat once every 2 or 3 years. But then again, I think the cycle is broken now, since we are chatting more. And the funny thing is that despite not keeping a constant connection with him over the years, I feel I can trust him completely, and I think he feels the same way about me. Like I told him the other day, It takes time for me to actually trust someone, but with him, despite the years when we don’t talk, I trust him as if we’ve known each other since kindergarten. I like that, and because of that, I don’t want to lose contact again, and not speak for another 3 years. I’m going to try to keep the conversation going, because he’s actually a great friend to have, and we have a lot in common, and if he needs help and needs someone to lean on, I’m happy to be there for him to lean on me, and If I need someone to lean on, I’m sure he’d be there as well. (Although I probably wouldn’t be able to lean on him too much, him being the shape of a spaghetti pasta, and me being the shape of a rigatoni pasta)

Anyway, I hope he’s able to find a job soon. And as for me, I’m going to go look over the DMV test book, just in case they make me take a written test again.

Its 2:21pm…. My nephew doesn’t seem to want to go to sleep, and two of the 3 kids we take care of in the afternoon are 2 hours away from arriving. Lets see who we get this evening…. Psycho Girl, Emo Dude, or Lazy Brain. And again, I would never, ever, ever say this to them, because I don’t like offending people, (and who knows what Psycho Girl might do… she’s 14 but weighs almost 200 pounds…. this girl could hurt me. LOL) and just because I’m calling them this here and in person doesn’t mean I’m two faced. This blog was created for me to just let all my thoughts out, with no filters. And that’s what I’m doing. Kind of what I do when I go see my Counselor, Darlene. Only with her, I only get half an hour to talk, and I’m not even half way done talking to her when she stops me and says time is up. That doesn’t help. Lets see if this blog helps me more.

And to the man upstairs, God, If I say something on here that I shouldn’t say, please forgive me. Id rather write it down, than saying it out loud or thinking it. I think its the lesser of two evils, and my God is a God of UNCONDITONAL LOVE, and I will try to follow in his steps and do the same. But I don’t think it hurts to just let your self write what you think, without filters, once in a while. If its going to keep me from stressing out or taking a stress pill, then why not? Maybe its a solution.

Hasta la vista, baby!